Gerry Cohen
Al goes looking for the last real man alive, a recluse named Ironhead Haynes who lives on the tallest mountain in Illinois. NO MA’AM waits at the bottom for the plan of action he brings back down. What he gets instead is a one-word song and some advice about dinosaurs. Waylon Jennings guest stars.
A radio contest has wives make their husbands do embarrassing things, and Peg phones Al at work repeatedly. Behind him, his assistant is being resuscitated by paramedics. Bud and Kelly keep losing their place in a ticket queue.
Jefferson confesses that his name is not Jefferson D’Arcy and that he used to work for the CIA, which means there is one man alive who can expose him. Al learns there is a fifty thousand dollar reward. Bud and Kelly want start-up capital.
The city plans to pave over the Polk High football field for a car plant, so Al handcuffs himself to a goal post. The Darcys stand to make money from the deal. Meanwhile Bud and Buck get sprayed with an experimental pesticide while filming a commercial.
Kelly admits she never gave Bud a Valentine’s card from six years ago, sent by a girl who is now a famous singer. Bud goes to her hotel to explain. Al, meanwhile, discovers what a dozen roses costs on February 14th.
An apple tree near the property line sets off a dispute that escalates into a full boundary survey and then into a quarrel over everything around both houses. The surveyor’s findings about the Bundy land are not flattering.
A cosmetics magnate and old girlfriend of Al’s turns up in Chicago and offers Peg five hundred thousand dollars for her husband. The family holds a meeting about it. Vanna White guest stars, and the season 7 finale is the last episode Ron Leavitt worked on.
The Dodge is stolen and the Bundys inflate the insurance claim to twenty-five thousand dollars. While it processes, Al takes a series of expensive cars out on extended test drives. Then the police find the Dodge with the trunk still sealed. Kelly proposes paying for a Mercedes by collecting the letter K.
Al takes early retirement, and Peg spends three thousand dollars of the fund before the first week is out. He goes back to work at a rival shoe store, tries to buy it, and then puts the last six thousand into lottery tickets. Charlene Tilton spends the episode in the living room selling an exercise device.
Al’s bedroom reputation has become public knowledge and a neighborhood joke, so he sets out to get back in shape. The training goes badly enough that the Darcys have to carry him home unconscious. Peg spends the episode protecting his confidence. The scene everyone remembers involves a flattened squirrel named Zippy.