Katherine Green
The cruise ship sinks and the survivors share a lifeboat with Gilbert Gottfried, whose job is to keep morale up. Al sets off alone for help. Back home the press has filled the Bundy living room and Bud discovers what an exclusive is worth.
Jefferson buys Marcy a nurse Barbie and then learns it is worth fifty thousand dollars, but she will not put it down. His plan requires Al to lie next to her in the dark while he makes the swap. Kelly goes brunette for a public service announcement.
Al goes looking for the last real man alive, a recluse named Ironhead Haynes who lives on the tallest mountain in Illinois. NO MA’AM waits at the bottom for the plan of action he brings back down. What he gets instead is a one-word song and some advice about dinosaurs. Waylon Jennings guest stars.
An apple tree near the property line sets off a dispute that escalates into a full boundary survey and then into a quarrel over everything around both houses. The surveyor’s findings about the Bundy land are not flattering.
Al hires a young Polk High graduate who idolizes him, and then learns the boy is about to get married. Al’s response is to take him to the mall lounge and show him what marriage does to men. Kelly, meanwhile, has inhaled a canister of bug spray.
Bud insists his substitute teacher has a crush on him and nobody believes him, which turns out to be their mistake. Juggling her and a girl his own age wears him down, so he asks Al for advice. Peg has the flu and receives no sympathy from anyone.
The death of a relative forces Al to take stock of what he actually owns, and the list runs to two items. He sets out to recover the football from his 1966 championship game, which means dealing with the cheerleader he gave it to and then dumped. Wendie Jo Sperber guest stars.
The Bundys drive to Los Angeles for a shoe convention and break down in a tiny New Mexico town full of ancient prospectors. One of them hands Al a map to a gold mine, and Al talks Jefferson into financing the dig. Part one of the season finale.
Buck runs off and comes home with a female dog who immediately sets about replacing him as the household pet. Al, meanwhile, is hunting down the chef behind his favorite cherry cheesecake. Cheech Marin voices Buck for the first time, and B.B. King turns up as a street musician.
Al is dropped from his own softball team for the championship, by unanimous vote, with his wife and both children voting against him. A better player takes his place, gets injured, and Al goes in. It is the last appearance of the New Market Mallers and the last time the Bundys play together.