Hill Harper
Al goes looking for the last real man alive, a recluse named Ironhead Haynes who lives on the tallest mountain in Illinois. NO MA’AM waits at the bottom for the plan of action he brings back down. What he gets instead is a one-word song and some advice about dinosaurs. Waylon Jennings guest stars.
The city plans to pave over the Polk High football field for a car plant, so Al handcuffs himself to a goal post. The Darcys stand to make money from the deal. Meanwhile Bud and Buck get sprayed with an experimental pesticide while filming a commercial.
Peg’s birthday present to Al is a boudoir photo of herself, which then gets enlarged into a billboard next to the shoe store. Al finds he does not enjoy other men looking at it. Bud and Kelly keep buying him things he already owns and hates.
Al needs a minor operation on his back, and the surgical team misreads the instruction. Peg finds out from a hospital payphone in the middle of a call to Marcy. The rest of the episode is the family trying to keep a recovering Al from getting excited.
Al hires a young Polk High graduate who idolizes him, and then learns the boy is about to get married. Al’s response is to take him to the mall lounge and show him what marriage does to men. Kelly, meanwhile, has inhaled a canister of bug spray.